Monday, December 8, 2008

Rules to live by! Diet Shmiet is what I say!


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving cream puffs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. if something comes with gravy, use it.That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.They' re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-rea d tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should
NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great Holiday Season!


tammy said...

Unfortunately, I live by these rules year round.

Sandy Toes said...

That is GREAT!!!! So it!
-sandy toes

MBlairsLars said...

You crack me up! Love it, see ya today for some good food!

Annemarie said...

I'm in.


Mark and Meghan said...

heather..did you make all those rules up by yourself? or did you find it somewhere...they are hillarious! i love them...i might just post them on my blog for all to read!!!

Kelly said...

Ok....reason number 500 as to why you are so great!! Those are hilarious. I always say that during the Holidays (and all year round for me) if you are leaving a party or anywhere where food is involved and you can still move in your pants without having to unbutton them, turn around, your not finished yet. You kill me!

Rach said...

That was funny. damon is rentable, but he is a bit of a perfectionist so projects take a long time. but at least, as a handy-man he is very good looking. isn't the weather today great?

Princess Sarah said...

I like these rules! Especially #2!

Sandy said...

ha! that's a great list :))

Melissa-Mc said...

Yeah, these are my rules too. In January I'm going to be regretting it.

The blogging Bakers said...

That was a great post. Where did you find that quote at the end? Hilarious!!!! You are very witty.